Sunday, December 16, 2007

Pity Party

I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

My Day With Conner

Today I took Conner to "Breakfast with Santa" at a local elementary school. We sat in the cafeteria and had semi-rubberlike pancakes- they tasted better once we put real syrup on them- juice and goodies. Then he bought a pair of reindeer antlers and we were off to the gym to see Santa. He was so excited and not shy at all this year. He went right over and sat on his lap and got his picture taken. I am a sucker because after I had decided to get the 4 pictures for $10 the lady said or if you have your own camera (which I did) you can just take your own. I said, oh- I will just do this, I had already started writing on the form and felt awkward... so I spent the $$. Oh well. Then we walked around the gym- they had a shopping area for the kids to buy presents for their parents and then people wrapped them for the kids. Then he said he was hungry so we went back in to the cafeteria where there were free goodies that parents brought in- donuts, cookies, muffins, breads, brownies-- if I had known that BEFORE I paid I probably wouldn't have spent the money on the pancakes..again, oh well. (seems like a trickery plan to me!) There was a table set up with crayons and coloring sheets of Christmas pictures- candycanes, stocking with a teddybear and presents (or as Conner called it- a sock with a bear), xmas tree, etc. We sat down and he colored a tree.. he was very proud. He wanted to see Santa again so we went back in to the gym and I bumped into a colleague who teaches 4th grade at another school, one of her daughters was going to be singing in the performance by the chorus. But Conner said he was getting tired and it was packed in the gym so we didn't stay for the singing. I did shoot a few pictures of Conner in his daddy's old school in front of cute bulletin boards and Christmas decorations... I was very surprised there were so many Christmas displays- I think there was a Hanukkah one, but to be truthful, I don't even think there are any temples or anything even IN Townsend or Pepperell or Ashby. It was very nice to see the decorations and cute fun things the kids had done.
ANYWAYS- I also took Conner's picture in front of a Townsend Police Car because it was parked out front! :)
Then we stopped by Grammy and Grampy Rollo's house and Timmy, Chloe and Carly were just being dropped off so we stayed and played for a little while.
Then it was off to Walmart to return blinds YET AGAIN, hopefully for the last time. Conner was SOO good while we shopped, he was getting tired and almost didn't make it there because the sun was in his eyes the whole ride and he was getting upset! We did have to buy some apple juice jugs and open one- and we had to buy straws because he wanted his cup that he left in the car because he wouldn't want it :) But he loved picking out presents for baby Brooke and baby Carly and BeBe and Great Bebe.. and then he got to see Santa, at Walmart, FOR FREE, and get a picture and a candycane-- sheesh! When Santa asked if he had any brothers or sisters at home he said ya... Avery.. I said, no he doesn't, Avery is his cousin! :)
I got a bunch of presents but I forgot the outside extension cords and light timers so I can finish my xmas lights-- but it is a WHOPPING 18 degrees in Ashburnham right now- YIKES.
We had to make one more stop, to exchange a pocketbook we bought for Chloe at Dollar Tree because the zipper was broken- IT WAS PACKED IN THERE! NO room to even walk! But I just said "excuse me" to the lady at the register and told her I had to exchange the pocketbook because it was broken and we were in and out in less than 2 minutes.
We were both pretty hungry now so we ran through the parking lot to Papa Gino's and got some spaghetti, meatballs and cheese breadsticks-- it was SOOO YUMMY! And the guy was nice and had them separate it into two dishes because I had asked if one meal would be enough for me and Conner, he even threw in some extra breadsticks :) That was nice of him, great customer service- about time I got that somewhere. It always seemed when I worked somewhere it was always "the customer is always right, and do whatever for the customer" but that was never the case when I was the customer anywhere- but today it was, so thanks Papa Gino's man.
While Conner and I were eating, he was being soooo cute, wiping his mouth after every bite and saying "see, my face is all clean!" He told me the meatballs and the sauce were spicey but that was okay because he likes spicy food sometimes. I told him "Thanks for hanging out with me all day buddy, I had fun" He said, "you're welcome, I want to make you happy" or I like to make you happy- one of those.... Isn't HE THE CUTEST, SWEETEST, Little boy??!!! Then he proceeded to eat, wipe his mouth and then he was singing and making noises and weird spazzy hand movements and laying down in the boothe like a typical little boy...
He is just the best, we had a great day and I wanted to share that with everyone, let you know how much I love my son.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Just So SAD :(

I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Went in for my bloodwork this morning and found out right before Conner and I went to a birthday party. My numbers dropped. I am having a miscarriage :( I am sad but not surprised, I was expecting it. I also said I didn't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I did let myself get excited for a few moments, thinking- Oh my., I actually might be pregnant! But it is not going to work out. Ok- I cried and probably will cry a little more, but what really got me was when the nurse told me I had to take this month off from trying- with my injections and everything. :( I have been waiting since I was pregnant with Leah for my baby- and now 7 months of fertility treatments and I have to wait another one to get started again. (And if one more person says-- well, you're young, you have time-- I really will want to punch them, yell at them and run away!)
I was not expecting that. Many people start trying again that same cycle, but I can't, not with the meds. My hormones and levels are all a mess right now so they can't start me on my injections. I have to wait a whole month and call them back when my period comes again. :( I have to keep going in for bloodwork until my HCG levels are back down to 0 .
I was not expecting to have to take a month off!!! This upsets me. I am sure it is for the best, my body needs to be regulated and what not and I can always try on my own, but I don't want anything bad to happen. So I probably won't. Maybe I will exercise a little more on my month off (well, maybe I will exercise- I havent since July!) and then I will be able to organize and straighten out the house and get everything set up in the addition- all that cleaning and heavy lifting would not have been good if I was pregnant. And I can also get my Leah tattoo- can't get that if you are pregnant. So I will do these things and hopefully my next cycle will be here before we know it. If it doesn't come within 30 days I can call the doctors and they will help me out.

Now I am on a 30 day break...... geeez, I thought 2 weeks - went by slow--- now I have to wait 30 days!!!!!! :(

Friday, October 19, 2007


I was thinking this month was a total bust. I had been off and on with my positive/negative thinking but once I saw a negative pregnancy test and had cramps and spotting- i figured, its over. I resigned myself to that fact- after a little crying, and I was ready to move on to the next cycle- we would do it!
So waiting and waiting for AF to show (thats a period for those who dont know the lingo). I am wondering if she won't show because I am on progesterone (to help if there is a pregnancy). So I call so that I can move up the day I go in for my bloodtest so I can stop the progesterone and get on with it already- why waste time?
I get to go in on 13dpiui (days post IUI (intra-uterine-insemination) ). I get the call at 5pm. "Are you still spotting? Because your test was not negative but your numbers are low, your HCG is 14.7." The nurse said we have to watch it closely and see what happens, it could be an ectopic (egg implanted in the tube), or who knows, we just don't know this early. It's more "wait and see" I don't want to wait and see!

My number should be higher- if it were a great healthy pregnancy- or even more than one baby-- I had 4 eggs release- the number should be higher- I was even hoping for more than one baby- one healthy one of course, but two healthy even better. Now it looks like I get one, but it might not be healthy :(
Of course we could be jumping to conclusions, you are supposed to see what your numbers do- they are supposed to double every 2 days or so. So I go back in Saturday morning and find out more information Saturday afternoon.

- I want to be pregnant-- if it's healthy and going to last
- I want to be happy about being pregnant- I barely got to enjoy any of my pregnancy with Leah
-I don't want there to be something wrong
- I don't want to be pregnant for a few weeks only to lose it
- I don't want to be scared something is going to happen- something other than the normal things I would already be worrying about
- Bleeding and cramps and low numbers worry me that it is not a healthy one :(
-I would rather start over with another cycle and have it be a good sticky healthy one
Does this make sense? Do I sound ungrateful? because I am not, I am worried and I just want it to be NORMAL.... and all I can do is wait and worry, and of course it is all out of my control.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Sunday, October 7, 2007

That's all I ask from You

That’s all I ask, is to be remembered, thought about- made to feel that people remember my daughter and that she WAS born and that I am going through a rough time right now. That’s all I ask.
Thanks to those who reached out to let me know they cared- in whatever way it was- an email, a message, a phone call, a card, flowers, I thank you, and Leah thanks you too.

Soo many things

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

My first injection….

Today I went and got my uterus and my ovaries checked out! WOO HOO, bet you are excited to read about this! Don’t worry, nothing to tell. They checked out fine and my bloodwork was fine too (not pregnant, duh). But MAN- the cramps set in, I was in such pain all day- it was hard to walk around and it was even painful to sit down. Sheesh, I don’t know if they just went away or if it was all the advil, but they calmed down a bit, thank goodness. A good thing about this morning was I got to the lab early. Patient registration took me right in, then the lab- I didn’t have to wait, woo hoo. I had to wait about a half hour for the ultrasound but it is first come first served and I was early and they took me at 8. I was in my car at 8:30 and got in to my room at school around 9:20, so that was good, didn’t miss anything really- homeroom ends at 9:10.

So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.

I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.

I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.

I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!

One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Trying to stay ......well, just taking it minute by minute

These next few weeks are going to be tough. People have always said that the weeks/days before the date you are worrying about are worse than the actual day itself and I am sure that is the case this time too.

I will be reliving all the horrible moments that happen a year ago. I still relive it in my head at random times as it is already. Some of it is still so clear, like it happened yesterday and at other times it feels so long ago. Yet I still cry, and at the moment I cry very easily.

It is hard because at this time last year I had found out recently I was having a girl, then we were worried about her 2 vessel umbilical cord, then we found out she was perfectly healthy so we were excited. I told my students, my belly was showing proudly- the puking had finally stopped (back at around 16weeks).... and then it all started. So I will be remembering every moment of the phone call to the doctors, telling the principal I had to leave, the lonnnnnnng 20 minute ride in lunch traffic to the office, having to wait in the room for the doc- thinking- I am just worrying for nothing, it will be fine.... then the doctor not finding the heartbeat, taking my pulse, sending me to the u/s room.... I can recount almost every bit of it... and I am sure I will make myself read the journals I wrote about the whole thing and about Leah's funeral as well, maybe it will be somewhat theraputic.

I was more excited to go to my Birth Loss Support group yesterday than having my first day back at school teaching. I knew I needed the group because hard times were coming, I could just feel I was on the verge of tears. Last month I missed the meeting, completely forgot about it! So that is a good thing- I was busy with my anniversary coming up, Conner, getting ready for vacation, etc. It slipped my mind. But I KNEW I needed to go last night. It was a VERY emotional meeting. There were 2 new couples who joined our small group. It is always sad to welcome new members. We feel their pain and cry with them. I hate knowing someone else went through something as horrible as I did. I hope to think I can be of some tiny bit of help in some small way. (Being the emotional crying timebomb I have been and will be for a few weeks, I probably didn't help much! But I can put it out there that I am here to talk, vent, cry and offer any advice I have (if any!)

Along with the horrible memories (but in a small way, still happy to see my little girl, see that she looks like her brother, hold my baby and give her love and kisses before she went off to Heaven forever and tell her how much we love her) I am still dealing with my infertility and like so many other ladies, I too wish I was already pregnant and thought I possibly would be pregnant or even close to giving birth by the time Leah's anniversary came around....but I am not.. this cycle will probably go on forever too because I am anticipating getting started with my new injectable medications.

So I am going to take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time and I know I will get through it and there HAS To be some GOOD things to come, there just has to. I visited my Leah today to water the flowers her grandmother brought to her grave and to see that her stone was fixed (a small piece fell out- it had only been there like 4 days!!!) So she knows I love her, no matter how many times I visit, she knows I think about her EVERY DAY, and if she didn't - I reminded her when I was there :) So if you read this, please pray for my little angel Leah and for me and my family, we can use all the positive thoughts you can send our way during this difficult time.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Conner's Trip to the ER

I thought Conner's first trip the the ER would be because he broke something or needed stitches...nope!
Friday night he was not feeling up to par, I was at the Indigo Girls with a friend of Joe's from work, Joe was at her house hanging with the husband and all the kids. Conner didn't feel like eating pizza, didn't want to run around and go on the swings. He fell asleep at 8:15. He had been up late the night before because we were at a cookout with my family and we slept at grammy's and he was up early. But he kept waking up and saying his tummy hurt. Joe told him he could sleep with us, thinking this would make him feel better.

We get home at midnight and bring him to bed. He is still saying his tummy hurts but he falls asleep. He wakes up once or twice saying his tummy hurts still and at 5am he was burning up, temp 101.8 and his tummy still hurts and he can't sleep. We decided to take him to the ER. Lucky for us nobody was in the waiting room.

They get him in and take his temp, 101.3 for them. They said they would like to get some blood work and x-ray of the belly, that is standard whenever a kid comes in with a fever and belly pain.
Taking blood was horrible, noone likes to see their baby get stuck with needles! They are telling him he can't move, he is THREE! Of course he is going to flinch and move when they stick him with a needle. They couldn't get it in the first arm so they tried the other arm and it worked and he calmed down and watched them collect 3 tubes of blood. He got to pee in a cup and get x-rays. We had to do some explaining that it wasn't going to hurt and how neat it was too. They took one of him laying down and then one standing up. After that was over he finally fell asleep, poor little guy.

I called my parents and they came right up. It was good to have them there, for me and Joe and for Conner. The doctor said that Conner's white blood count was elevated and they saw a little pool of fluid in his belly. This could mean he has a virus. After Conner had been sleeping for a little bit the new nurse comes in nice and loud and says they want to do a cat scan and we have to have him drink this drink. So, we had to wake him up- nobody likes to be woken up, and tell him to drink this nice drink- I really think it was raspberry crystal light- it looked and smelled just like it! I asked if he had to drink all of it, and they said they would actually like him to drink 2 glasses of it! That didn't happen, we got him to finally drink about an inch of drink- that was a lot! Joe bribed him with Chuck E Cheese's, said he could go if he drank, the more he drank the more rides he could go on at CEC. We keep getting him to take little sips.

My parents arrived right as Conner was going in for his scan. He didn't want it of course and when he saw the huge machine he started crying. The guy was really good about it, he said he was going to be there all day and if Conner needed to go back to his room and calm down, it was fine, just bring him back when he was ready. We kept talking to him, telling him how daddy goes on this machine a lot, and it's just like a ride and the tech was showing him how it moves back and forth and up and down and lights go on. We told him it was just like a spaceship. We had to take his shirt and shorts off but we got him to lay down on the machine and he did really good.Joe and I put on the xray aprons and we stayed with him the whole time. The guy talked on the speaker and did a blastoff countdown for Conner. It was good, he had fun and as soon as he got off he said " I go to Chuck E Cheese now!" We got him dressed and walked back to the room and he got to see Mimi and BB and that made him all excited. He was starting to pep up, maybe the tylenol was working. After a while of convincing him he couldn't go home and CEC was still closed, he layed down on me on the bed. Now we are waiting for the results.

The new doctor (shift change) came in, she was nice. She was explaining everything and all the scenarios. She called the surgeon to come in and look at everything. Everyone has been looking at his cat scan but since he is so tiny, has no fat, the machine is bigger and he didn't drink enough of he contrast drink, it was hard to get a good look. They were looking at what they thought was his appendix and enlarged the pictures but then they look all grainey. They had about 3 different docs/techs and the surgeon look at them. The doc said that they may want to take Conner to Worcester to see the pediatric surgeon. What they want to rule out is an appendicitis, thats what they usually think when there is a fever, belly pain and high white blood count. But she said other than the white blood count, fever and small amount of fluid, Conner was perfectly healthy. His urine sample was fine and all his other organs and tests were fine, so THAT WAS A RELIEF. Because of course we are thinking- appendicitis, or cancer or who knows what!

The surgeon comes in and is talking to us and he is very good... except for the fact that he said we don't really know what is wrong with Conner. He made Conner jump up and down and he said if it was his appendix he would not be able to jump up and down, and after all the people looking at his scan, they can pretty much rule that out. He said there were a couple scenarios and if some of the results were different we would be talking surgery, and we are not. He said it could be the start of a virus because they counts weren't high enough to suggest the virus was there for a while, it was just starting.. ?? I don't know , he was saying a lot! But for the most part, he said, we did the right thing bringing him in and we could take him home. He said to come back if our instincts tell us too. If his fever doesn't go away, he is puking, getting worse... bring him back. The doc also said to give his doctor a call to let her know everything that went on. They said if he didn't get better we would bring him back and repeat his bloodwork and see what his white count did- if it went up. That's the only way to really tell.

We got him home- he wa very excited to leave. They said to give him lots of juice, liquids and if he feels like eating- carbs, and to take it easy. We got him to take some chewable tylenol and rest. He wouldn't let my parents leave. Joe went up to take a nap- because we didn't get much sleep and Conner and I rested downstairs with my parents. After a while he did let my parents leave and he fell asleep for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, so I got an hour nap! He is feeling better, still has a small fever. Of course, what is he asking about the whole day... Chuck E Cheese, he is wondering when it is opening and when he is going. Once his fever went down and he was starting to perk up,... we brought him! We were giving him whatever he wanted that day- he was brave and went through a LOT, poor kid. Joe gave him some ground rules about taking it easy and not running. He doesn't go in the tunnel, climbing thing with the slide so thats good. He played a bunch of video games and went on a couple rides. After that we took him to McDonald's because he said he was hungry- he ate a couple fries, that's it though. He was feeling much better. We let him sleep with us again and he wanted to go to bed early so I put Caillou on and we both fell asleep.

No more fever, he is eating up a storm and bossing us around. He has played his Lightening McQueen video game a ton, went outside, watched tv... he is back to normal now.

That was pretty scary, but I bet if we didn't take him to the doctors it probably would've been just like a regular little quick bug with a fever, we just know more because they did bloodowork and all that jazz. So who knows, whenever you don't feel good and have a virus or fever, maybe that's what happens to your bloodcount and maybe that's what happens in your belly... nurses/docs out there... help me out!

All I know is my baby is ok and I am glad. I felt bad for him having to go through all that, and I didn't enjoy the worrying either. He is a tough kid, what a trooper!

Monday, August 13, 2007

You had me fooled.....

Well, I was certainly starting to be fooled with this cycle. I tried not to think about whether I was pregnant or not in my two weeks waiting (for those of you who don't know, when you are TTC - trying to conceive... they give you a 2 week window after you ovulate before you usually find out if you are pregnant or not - give or take a few days... some ladies go 14 days after they ovulate, I tend to go anywhere from 11-14 days)
Anyways- I was on vacation so I was trying not to think about it much.. and I wasn't temping (taking my temperature). I had a few cases of heartburn- probably the spicey stuff I was eating, a couple times I felt nauseaus but that could've been the food and the heat... so who knows. Yesterday and today my cramps have been almost non-existant. I figured, ok today I am 11dpo, I think I'll take my temp if I wake up on my own at the right time....98.5... hmm, thats a good one. I did not take a test first thing in the morning.. I figured I would wait and see if the cramps would set in....not too much...

Now I am thinking- ok, if I am pregnant this cycle, that means no HSG next month (checking of my tubes) and no cycle of injectable meds... thats good! I decided to take a test mid-day... I get a little case of the butterflies in my stomach- mostly because of excitement but I am thinking- odds are that I am not pregnant...... and

I am not. So, I am a teeny sad but I am for the most part ok with it because I know things are going to get done in the next month and a half. It might be neat (although time consuming and hard to schedule in because it will be the beginning of school... but oh well!) to see the ultrasounds of my ovaries growing follicles that will become eggs that will hopefully become my baby or babies! We shall see. Of course I will keep you posted.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Saturday, June 16, 2007

A Great Man, My Uncle, John Melchiorri

Johnny, Uncle John, and Conner at Grampy Gal's 90th Birthday, October 2006

I will always love and remember you Uncle John. I will miss your laugh and your hugs. You were a great man, uncle, father, husband and son. You were taken too soon from us and there is never a good reason why. Watch over us in Heaven with Grammy, Leah and my Grammy Marshall. Love you always.


Fri Jun 15, 2007, 01:00 AM EDT


Key West, Florida. Yes, why not?

Howie Nickerson kept telling his friend John Melchiorri he'd take him there. Maybe they both knew it was a pipe-dream. Maybe not. It seemed to be working though.

One night, Nickerson was talking on the phone to John's wife, Robin. Nickerson heard his friend say in the background "I'm not going to die. Howie's taking me to Key West."


The goal became more modest. They just wanted to get John home, so he could die surrounded by familiarity, not antiseptic white uniforms and walls. That didn't happen, either. The great John Melchiorri took his last breath at UMass Medical Center in Worcester Sunday night, cancer winning the last end game. He was 50.

1975. The Natick High football team was reeling from the sudden death of legendary head coach Dan Bennett. Then the Redmen had to open the season against mighty Brockton. If Vegas took lines on high school games, Natick vs. Brockton wouldn't have made the cut. The Boxers, and by three touchdowns or more, was the pervading notion.

There was a moment of silence for Bennett before the game. Was it the memory of the coach that inspired Natick's shocking 21-14 upset? Once the Bay State League season started, would Natick be a team that could sustain the emotional high of the Brockton game?

The Redmen lost only once that year, 8-6 to Milton, made it to the Super Bowl for the first time and croaked Reading, 26-14. The MVP of the team was halfback John Melchiorri. When spring came, Melchiorri, a dynamic center fielder, was the MVP again. So it only made sense that he was the Class of 1975's Athlete of the Year.

"He was a great player," says Bob Ghilani, Natick's assistant baseball coach then. "He made more great catches that haven't been duplicated. He was the best center fielder we've had, no question. I can still see him turning his back to the plate and going and getting it. He caught everything."

Warren Prim, the quarterback of the Super Bowl team, loves telling this baseball story. The head coach was John Carroll. "He told me once he thought I'd be his first .400 hitter," says Prim. "Guess who was?" Needless to say, Melchiorri hit .404 that year.

Melchiorri packed about 155 pounds, at the most. But was he tough? "He never gave an inch," says Ghilani. "I remember the Framingham North football game when John was sick, throwing up. I told him I didn't think he should play. He said, 'Don't worry. I'm playing.' He scored two or three touchdowns."

"He was the best athlete I ever played with," says Prim. "John had speed, quickness, agility. He could throw the option pass. He wasn't the tallest or the biggest, but he could stick 'em with the best of them."

John could juke, but he'd just as soon take on an opponent head-on. Tough.

Off the field, there was a different Melchiorri. "I never heard him badmouth anybody," says Prim. "He always had a smile."

That's pretty much the way he stayed. "He never had a big head about how good he was," says Nickerson.

He was modest even though Mike Lavezzo, Melchiorri's friend since Little League, says "John was Doug Flutie before Doug Flutie!" Not a bad complement right there.

John just wasn't comfortable bringing up the glory days. "He'd say, 'You know Robin, that was a long, long time ago.' "

Ah, Robin.

They met at a '50s dance club in Bellingham. Both were divorced.

"He looked at me from across the room, and that was it," says Robin. "He was so handsome."

Ever agile and light on his feet, John loved to dance. She did too, and they danced.

"The first thing I told him was that I had three beautiful girls," says Robin. He'd seen her there before. "He told me, 'You looked lost.' " Well, maybe a divorced woman with three daughters needed to be found. But not by just anybody.

Oh, Robin tried. "I'd gone out with all these stupid jerks," she says. "John hadn't been out much."

Robin and John began seeing each other. The spark was real. She liked the way he constantly talked about family, and his son. "John was a caretaker," she says. "He took care of everyone."

Then it was he who needed the caring. And Robin was there, every step of the way. "We never did anything apart," says Robin. "It was me and John. We always held hands. We were together for nine years, married for seven."

Robin was a runner. That would be another nice thing to do with John. So they ran. Then John started having stomach pains. "He was a strong man," says Robin, not one to complain.

One day they ran and the pain was just too much. "He just stopped," says Robin. "He couldn't do it."

Let's see a doctor, said Robin, an ICU nurse at Milford hospital. He thought maybe the pain would go away. She insisted he go to the doctor. It was colon cancer, the tumor as big as a tennis ball. They removed it. That was last October. In March, the cancer was back and marching through his body.

It's been a sad and poignant week for Robin. John died Sunday. Tuesday little Johnny, the one child they had together, graduated from kindergarten. Robin was there, of course, but then drove to John Everett's in Natick to make funeral arrangements. Wednesday was the wake. Yesterday the burial. Then on with life, the period of adjustment without her man.

Mike Montgomery was one of John's best friends, a football teammate at Natick High. "John's mental toughness was phenomenal," says Montgomery. "He'd run over kids, and he wasn't big at all. He'd get knocked out of the game and a couple of plays later he'd be back in there.

"When we needed something we turned to John. He was very shifty, like Barry Sanders. If you caught up to him, he'd just put his shoulder into the guy. What I remember is people saying 'Go, Johnny, go!' He was the heart and soul of the team."

Melchiorri led the team in rushing in his junior and senior years. He caught 20 passes his last year, and scored one-third of Natick's points. He played defensive back, only coming off the field on kickoffs.

"John was the go-to guy," says Dan Donahue, who played in the backfield with Melchiorri. "Great speed, great moves. He had a sense of where to go."

Reading High knew all about Melchiorri when the Super Bowl came around. They focused on him. The Natick coaches figured that would be the case. Someone else in the backfield might have to step up.

"But they didn't share that with me," says Donahue. "Maybe they thought I'd be too nervous. I fumbled on the first play. But they kept giving me the ball."

Donahue scored three touchdowns. The decoy just smiled.

The emptiness will never subside. Robin already knows that. She is free-spirited by nature, resilent like Johnny was, and that will steel her. Family and friends will help too.

She reflects on eyballing the most handsome guy in the world, across a crowded 50's dance floor. She knew right away, instinctively, as women often do. They danced the night away, a bunch of nights, their hearts rekindled, the loneliness dissipating, the need to look for companionship, and more, fading.

"We had a great life," she says.

Not quite 10 years. Still, a great life.

(Lenny Megliola is a Daily News columnist. His e-mail is

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Nice Stenographe DMR Machine + Me = Good News

Ladies and Gentlemen- Everyone should read this information, it could save your life!
As if my family has not gone through enough in the past few years....about a month (or a little less) ago I noticed a lump on my breast. GREAT! At first I was worried, then I tried to convince myself it was nothing, then I was worried....your breasts change during your cycle , etc etc. Anyways, I knew I would not feel better about it unless I got it checked out. So I went to the doctor and she said I should call to let her know if I am pregnant or not the next week and we will schedule appointments. Well, I was NOT pregnant so she went ahead and scheduled a mammogram and an ultrasound.
I ended up getting the u/s first because of my age they thought they could rule out the mammogram by doing u/s first. They could not see anything on the screen ( so I guess it wasn't a cyst like the doc said it could be, clomid can cause cysts - I thought only on ovaries but I guess I thought wrong) BUT it could be felt (the lump) just not seen. They said they can't see fatty tissue on an u/s but they can on a mammogram. So off to the mammogram I go.. in my pants and then nice hospital gown. The lady puts a special sticker on the lump and then another on the side, I think it just said LEFT or something, I don't know, I let her do what she needed! I was very scared it was going to hurt A LOT, but it really did not. I guess I have the perfect size boobs, not too small and not too big because either of those would make the mammogram more painful-- or maybe I just have a high tolerance for pain, who knows. So, they only did the one with the lump and it was over quickly.
Then I had to sit there while she went to show the xrays to the doctor. I am sitting and sitting and sitting waiting. Thinking, oh great, its taking a long time, what if they ask if anyone came with me today and that I should go get them, please not that! I was told by a co-worker that if they come back and need to take more pictures its not necessarily a bad thing, it could've been that they just need a different angle or something, so I was prepared for that. But after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she came back- her name was Diane (spelled wrong!) by the way, and there were 2 other Dianne's in the waiting room with me that morning, weird huh. So she came back and said the doctor didn't see anything and I could go home. I would get the report from my doctor soon.
YAY, what a load off my mind. I get dressed and go out to find Joe- he was getting a soda- I guess the waiting around was too much! Anyways, I think he might've given me a high five.. I can't remember. But then I had the rest of the day off to relax, unwind, watch tv , rest, then I went to Walmart and I even exercised! I still don't like that there is a small lump there but I can deal, I AM VERY LUCKY !
I am getting all my information from the following website.. all credit goes to them

A lump is detected, which is usually single, firm, and most often painless.
A portion of the skin on the breast or underarm swells and has an unusual appearance.
Veins on the skin surface become more prominent on one breast.
The breast nipple becomes inverted, develops a rash, changes in skin texture, or has a discharge other than breast milk.
A depression is found in an area of the breast surface.
Women's breasts can develop some degree of lumpiness, but only a small percentage of lumps are malignant.
While a history of breast cancer in the family may lead to increased risk, most breast cancers are diagnosed in women with no family history. If you have a family history of breast cancer, this should be discussed with your doctor.

Every two minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer.
This year more than 211,000 new cases of breast cancer are expected in the United States.
One woman in eight who lives to age 85 will develop breast cancer during her lifetime.
Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women between the ages of 40 and 55.
1,600 men are expected to be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and 400 are predicted to die.
Seventy percent of all breast cancers are found through breast self-exams. Not all lumps are detectable by touch. We recommend regular mammograms and monthly breast self-exams.
Eight out of ten breast lumps are not cancerous. If you find a lump, don't panic-call your doctor for an appointment.
Mammography is a low-dose X-ray examination that can detect breast cancer up to two years before it is large enough to be felt.
When breast cancer is found early, the five-year survival rate is 96%. This is good news! Over 2 million breast cancer survivors are alive in America today.

An Early Breast Cancer Detection Plan should include:
Clinical breast examinations every three years from ages 20-39, then every year thereafter.
Monthly breast self-examinations beginning at age 20. Look for any changes in your breasts.
Baseline mammogram by the age of 40.
Mammogram every one to two years for women 40-49, depending on previous findings.
Mammogram every year for women 50 and older.
A personal calendar to record your self-exams, mammograms, and doctor appointments.
A low-fat diet, regular exercise, and no smoking or drinking.
How to do a Breast Self-Examination
IN THE SHOWER Fingers flat, move gently over every part of each breast. Use your right hand to examine left breast, left hand for right breast.
Check for any lump, hard knot or thickening. Carefully observe any changes in your breasts.
..>BEFORE A MIRROR Inspect your breasts with arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead.
Look for any changes in contour of each breast, a swelling, a dimpling of skin or changes in the nipple. Then rest palm on hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match - few women's breasts do.

..>LYING DOWN Place pillow under right shoulder, right arm behind your head. With fingers of left hand flat, press right breast gently in small circular motions, moving vertically or in a circular pattern covering the entire breast. Use light, medium and firm pressure. Squeeze nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast.

Copyright © 1991-2007 National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.®All rights reserved.
Privacy Policy

MYTH: Finding a lump in your breast means you have breast cancer.TRUTH: Eight out of ten lumps are benign, or not cancerous. If you discover a persistent lump in your breast or any changes in breast tissue, it is very important that you see a physician immediately. Many times fear keeps women from aggressive health care. Sometimes women stay away from medical care because they fear what they might find. Take charge of your own health by monthly self-exams, regular visits to the doctor, and regularly scheduled mammograms.The diagram to the right illustrates some common non-cancerous breast anomalies. Although these may feel like lumps to the touch, they should not be cause for concern. However, only your doctor can diagnose these conditions and suggest treatment. The bottom line is, if you detect something out of the ordinary during your monthly breast self-exam, see your doctor immediately. Early detection always is the best form of prevention.

MYTH: Men do not get breast cancer.TRUTH: This year 211,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 43,300 will die; however, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 400 will die. While the percentage of men who are diagnosed with breast cancer is small, men should also give themselves monthly exams and note changes to their physicians...>

MYTH: A mammogram can cause breast cancer to spread.TRUTH: An x-ray of the breast is called a mammogram. The x-ray and the pressure on the breast from the x-ray machine cannot cause cancer to spread. Do not let tales of other people's experiences keep you from having a mammogram. Base your decision on your physician's recommendation and ask the physician any questions you may have about the mammogram.
..; Breast Cancer Myths." src="" width=157 border=1>..>

MYTH: Having a family history of breast cancer means you will get breast cancer. TRUTH: While women who have a family history of breast cancer are in a higher risk group, most women who have breast cancer have no family history. If you have a mother, daughter, sister, or grandmother who had breast cancer, you should have a mammogram five years before the age of their diagnosis...>

MYTH: Breast cancer is a communicable disease. TRUTH: You cannot catch breast cancer or transfer it to someone else's body. Breast cancer is the result of uncontrolled cell growth in your own body.

MYTH: Knowing you have changes in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene means you can prevent breast cancer.TRUTH: Five percent to ten percent of women who have breast cancer are thought to carry the mutant BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. Alterations in these genes for men and women can predispose them to breast cancer. If you are a carrier of the genes, you should be monitored closely by your physician. Carriers of the genes have a lifetime risk of developing breast cancer.
Copyright © 1991-2007 National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.®All rights reserved.Privacy Policy

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Another failed month :(

I know it is coming , I can feel it.... THE WITCH. I have been having cramps off and on for two days so I just know I am not pregnant again this month. It is so disappointing month after month not being pregnant.... I know many people have it MUCH worse than me, and have been trying MUCH longer.. but they know, it is hard no matter how long.

I am also combining all my TTC months for number 2. I tried 4-5 months on my own, then took a break then tried another month and got pregnant with Leah, so let's call that 6 months. Then I go almost 6 months (24 weeks to be exact) being pregnant and lose my little girl. I have to wait a few months until I feel better, emotionally and physically, and then to get regular....technically I only waited 3 months, and now I am on 4 months of ttc again... add it all up because I still have yet to bring home a baby....19 months (including when I was pg) because now we are talking how many months I have BEEN WAITING for my baby! Thats a long time... if you dont want to count when I was pg - even though I was waiting for my baby, but not trying anymore....that is still about 13 months..... TOO LONG, I shouldnt even have to be trying right now, I should have my baby and my family would be complete. So to say I am disappointed is an understatement.

Top it off with getting AF, the witch, (which is bad enough), it is Mother's Day weekend, yes I am a mother, a mother to a living child and to an angel, but it should've been an even happier holiday this year because I would have my son AND my daughter. ALSO, this is the cycle last yr that I got pregnant with Leah. Add all these things up and put it on top of the loss and emotions, the hormones... it stinks :( Cramps don't help. They have been annoying and a tiny painful so far, last month wasn't too bad, but it was the month before or so that they KILLED! I had to lay down, put a heating pad on AND take advil, I usually do not have to do that.

Of course I am not out yet, but I am gettig myself ready. I don't want to get my hopes up and think- well maybe these are just implantation cramps and AF is not coming... that would be rare, yes it does happen. I looked back at my chart when I got pg with Conner and I had cramps, I had a temp dip AND I had spotting, so you never know. But I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I really hope this blog is totally wrong and I end up being pregnant. That would be a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I feel happiness EVERY DAY with Conner, he is THE BEST. This is just a different happiness, a yearning to be pregnant and bring home a baby.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Conner is THREE!!!!!!!!

Conner was born, May 3, 2004

Conner!!!!! I can't believe my baby is 3 years old!!! I love him soooo much, he is the best.
More b-day updates to follow
Here I am waking up the bday boy.... I even had balloons, but clearly he takes after his dad and is not a morning person!

I kept saying "Happy Birthday Conner!" and he said his birthday was SOON, not today, SOON. So I said, Happy Birthday SOON! We had been telling him all week that his birthday was soon, coming up soon.. so I think he wasn't ready for the big day.

When he walked into daycare all the kids shouted "Happy Birthday Conner!!" and he said "NO! My birthday SOON!" And he didn't want the decorations or balloon Judy got him, I think he was a little overwhelmed. They said later on they convinced him that today WAS his bday and he had fun and ate cake and they sang to him and everything.

After his party at Judy's (daycare) and Joe and I got home from work, we had cake, pizza and presents.

He was pointing at ME when we said "Happy birthday to YOU" He said it was momma's birthday too.
We couldn't take too many pictures because he wanted to play with his new toys. He got a bunch of Spiderman stuff- ball, toothbrush, book, candy, swimmies, floats. Then we got him badminton stuff, fake food to play with, Caillou doll, bases for when we play baseball, and a 3D book of jungle animals.

His PARTY is at Chuck E. Cheese's in a couple weeks if anyone wants to come :) It won't be a full CEC party and we couldn't invite all his friends because it would put us in the poorhouse! So it is cousins and grandparents and we are just buying pizza and bringing cake. We can't have it at our house because if you have read my blog you can SEE WHY!!
HAPPY 3rd Birthday my sweet CONNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!
Conner's 3 yr check-up statistics.
Weight: 32 lbs
Height: 36 1/2 inches (WOW he's gonna be a basketball player!)
Vision : Great (so far he doesn't take after his mom or dad)
Hearing: Great
He is an all around great kid. I told him he couldn't go outside and dig today until he took a nap, so he finally layed down, a few times within 5 minutes he got up and said " I sleep!" like he was done and I said-- nooo, and he fell asleep for two hours, how much better can he get!?

Update on the addition

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Our Addition to the House- Under Construction!

Here is the front of the house... blurry because it's a picture of a picture!
Half Bath Laundry Room

Hall &Hall closet
Laundry room after Closet after

This is where we enter the house from the back.. and the blue part is a random shed that just has stairs to a basement that we don't use- it gets water....

side view- This is where the addition is going, off the back of the house...take away the deck and that blue thing that leads to a basement that has no purpose other than collecting water when it rains.. and this is where the new family room is going with a renovated and combined half bath and laundry room. Above the family room will be a master bath and master bedroom.

I don't have one of the bathroom torn apart but I think you get the picture... right now it is blocked off!
Well, thats what they've gotten done in 2 days(actually this was all one day, I didn't take any pictures today!!)... I thought I had pics of the bathroom and laundry empty but I couldn't find them at the moment.

I will keep everyone updated on the progess :)

Monday, April 9, 2007

American Cancer Society Relay for Life

Why do I Relay?
My main reason to relay is for my husband, Joe. He is a cancer SURVIVOR! I know that Joe is here with me today because of all the research that has been done through the American Cancer Society. Nobody knows how much I truly appreciate every single doctor, nurse or worker at Heywood Hospital where Joe was treated, every doctor/scientist who has ever researched cancer and found treatments, every survivor who went through the first trial treatments that then became regular treatments and every cancer patient who lost their battle because they made a difference in all research that has been done.
"Relay For Life is much more than a walk around a track, though. It is a time to remember those lost to cancer and celebrate those who have survived. It is a night for people who have shared the same experience to comfort and console one another. It's also a time when we can all come together to help support the life-saving mission of the American Cancer Society and work together towards a cancer-free future.
Most importantly, Relay gives YOU the power to help in the fight against cancer. By joining together as volunteers and donors, our efforts help the American Cancer Society strive toward a future where cancer doesn't take the lives of our friends and family. Register today to become a part of the Relay phenomenon. Together we will fuel the work – and the hope – that can help make a cancer-free future a reality."
The Remission Mission is our relay team. Please join us! Whether you come for 1-2 hours, a few hours or the whole relay, we really would like all our friends and family to be there to experience how great and important this event is! Just think, you only have to walk for one hour, a cancer patient has to live with cancer their whole life.
Go to this address to join our team, The Remission Mission.
Or click on society links and click on Find Relay Events and on Find Relays Near me, type Gardner, Ma and it will bring you to some choices- choose Relay for Life of the Greater Gardner Area. From there you can navigate yourself to find The Remission Mission team, click on MORE under team rank…hopefully we will be in the top 5 soon!
Or, if you would like to make a donation, go to my relay page.
No one should have to face their journey alone, and with the help of the American Cancer Society Relay For Life, no one has to. I hope you will join me at the Relay on June 8th and 9th at Mount Wachusett Community College.
Thank You,
Dianne Rollo