I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Just So SAD :(
I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
My first injection….
Today I went and got my uterus and my ovaries checked out! WOO HOO, bet you are excited to read about this! Don’t worry, nothing to tell. They checked out fine and my bloodwork was fine too (not pregnant, duh). But MAN- the cramps set in, I was in such pain all day- it was hard to walk around and it was even painful to sit down. Sheesh, I don’t know if they just went away or if it was all the advil, but they calmed down a bit, thank goodness. A good thing about this morning was I got to the lab early. Patient registration took me right in, then the lab- I didn’t have to wait, woo hoo. I had to wait about a half hour for the ultrasound but it is first come first served and I was early and they took me at 8. I was in my car at 8:30 and got in to my room at school around 9:20, so that was good, didn’t miss anything really- homeroom ends at 9:10.
So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.
I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.
I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.
I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!
One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!
So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.
I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.
I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.
I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!
One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
You had me fooled.....
Well, I was certainly starting to be fooled with this cycle. I tried not to think about whether I was pregnant or not in my two weeks waiting (for those of you who don't know, when you are TTC - trying to conceive... they give you a 2 week window after you ovulate before you usually find out if you are pregnant or not - give or take a few days... some ladies go 14 days after they ovulate, I tend to go anywhere from 11-14 days)
Anyways- I was on vacation so I was trying not to think about it much.. and I wasn't temping (taking my temperature). I had a few cases of heartburn- probably the spicey stuff I was eating, a couple times I felt nauseaus but that could've been the food and the heat... so who knows. Yesterday and today my cramps have been almost non-existant. I figured, ok today I am 11dpo, I think I'll take my temp if I wake up on my own at the right time....98.5... hmm, thats a good one. I did not take a test first thing in the morning.. I figured I would wait and see if the cramps would set in....not too much...
Now I am thinking- ok, if I am pregnant this cycle, that means no HSG next month (checking of my tubes) and no cycle of injectable meds... thats good! I decided to take a test mid-day... I get a little case of the butterflies in my stomach- mostly because of excitement but I am thinking- odds are that I am not pregnant...... and
I am not. So, I am a teeny sad but I am for the most part ok with it because I know things are going to get done in the next month and a half. It might be neat (although time consuming and hard to schedule in because it will be the beginning of school... but oh well!) to see the ultrasounds of my ovaries growing follicles that will become eggs that will hopefully become my baby or babies! We shall see. Of course I will keep you posted.
Anyways- I was on vacation so I was trying not to think about it much.. and I wasn't temping (taking my temperature). I had a few cases of heartburn- probably the spicey stuff I was eating, a couple times I felt nauseaus but that could've been the food and the heat... so who knows. Yesterday and today my cramps have been almost non-existant. I figured, ok today I am 11dpo, I think I'll take my temp if I wake up on my own at the right time....98.5... hmm, thats a good one. I did not take a test first thing in the morning.. I figured I would wait and see if the cramps would set in....not too much...
Now I am thinking- ok, if I am pregnant this cycle, that means no HSG next month (checking of my tubes) and no cycle of injectable meds... thats good! I decided to take a test mid-day... I get a little case of the butterflies in my stomach- mostly because of excitement but I am thinking- odds are that I am not pregnant...... and
I am not. So, I am a teeny sad but I am for the most part ok with it because I know things are going to get done in the next month and a half. It might be neat (although time consuming and hard to schedule in because it will be the beginning of school... but oh well!) to see the ultrasounds of my ovaries growing follicles that will become eggs that will hopefully become my baby or babies! We shall see. Of course I will keep you posted.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Another failed month :(
I know it is coming , I can feel it.... THE WITCH. I have been having cramps off and on for two days so I just know I am not pregnant again this month. It is so disappointing month after month not being pregnant.... I know many people have it MUCH worse than me, and have been trying MUCH longer.. but they know, it is hard no matter how long.
I am also combining all my TTC months for number 2. I tried 4-5 months on my own, then took a break then tried another month and got pregnant with Leah, so let's call that 6 months. Then I go almost 6 months (24 weeks to be exact) being pregnant and lose my little girl. I have to wait a few months until I feel better, emotionally and physically, and then to get regular....technically I only waited 3 months, and now I am on 4 months of ttc again... add it all up because I still have yet to bring home a baby....19 months (including when I was pg) because now we are talking how many months I have BEEN WAITING for my baby! Thats a long time... if you dont want to count when I was pg - even though I was waiting for my baby, but not trying anymore....that is still about 13 months..... TOO LONG, I shouldnt even have to be trying right now, I should have my baby and my family would be complete. So to say I am disappointed is an understatement.
Top it off with getting AF, the witch, (which is bad enough), it is Mother's Day weekend, yes I am a mother, a mother to a living child and to an angel, but it should've been an even happier holiday this year because I would have my son AND my daughter. ALSO, this is the cycle last yr that I got pregnant with Leah. Add all these things up and put it on top of the loss and emotions, the hormones... it stinks :( Cramps don't help. They have been annoying and a tiny painful so far, last month wasn't too bad, but it was the month before or so that they KILLED! I had to lay down, put a heating pad on AND take advil, I usually do not have to do that.
Of course I am not out yet, but I am gettig myself ready. I don't want to get my hopes up and think- well maybe these are just implantation cramps and AF is not coming... that would be rare, yes it does happen. I looked back at my chart when I got pg with Conner and I had cramps, I had a temp dip AND I had spotting, so you never know. But I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I really hope this blog is totally wrong and I end up being pregnant. That would be a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I feel happiness EVERY DAY with Conner, he is THE BEST. This is just a different happiness, a yearning to be pregnant and bring home a baby.
I am also combining all my TTC months for number 2. I tried 4-5 months on my own, then took a break then tried another month and got pregnant with Leah, so let's call that 6 months. Then I go almost 6 months (24 weeks to be exact) being pregnant and lose my little girl. I have to wait a few months until I feel better, emotionally and physically, and then to get regular....technically I only waited 3 months, and now I am on 4 months of ttc again... add it all up because I still have yet to bring home a baby....19 months (including when I was pg) because now we are talking how many months I have BEEN WAITING for my baby! Thats a long time... if you dont want to count when I was pg - even though I was waiting for my baby, but not trying anymore....that is still about 13 months..... TOO LONG, I shouldnt even have to be trying right now, I should have my baby and my family would be complete. So to say I am disappointed is an understatement.
Top it off with getting AF, the witch, (which is bad enough), it is Mother's Day weekend, yes I am a mother, a mother to a living child and to an angel, but it should've been an even happier holiday this year because I would have my son AND my daughter. ALSO, this is the cycle last yr that I got pregnant with Leah. Add all these things up and put it on top of the loss and emotions, the hormones... it stinks :( Cramps don't help. They have been annoying and a tiny painful so far, last month wasn't too bad, but it was the month before or so that they KILLED! I had to lay down, put a heating pad on AND take advil, I usually do not have to do that.
Of course I am not out yet, but I am gettig myself ready. I don't want to get my hopes up and think- well maybe these are just implantation cramps and AF is not coming... that would be rare, yes it does happen. I looked back at my chart when I got pg with Conner and I had cramps, I had a temp dip AND I had spotting, so you never know. But I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I really hope this blog is totally wrong and I end up being pregnant. That would be a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I feel happiness EVERY DAY with Conner, he is THE BEST. This is just a different happiness, a yearning to be pregnant and bring home a baby.
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