Sunday, December 16, 2007

Pity Party

I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

My Day With Conner

Today I took Conner to "Breakfast with Santa" at a local elementary school. We sat in the cafeteria and had semi-rubberlike pancakes- they tasted better once we put real syrup on them- juice and goodies. Then he bought a pair of reindeer antlers and we were off to the gym to see Santa. He was so excited and not shy at all this year. He went right over and sat on his lap and got his picture taken. I am a sucker because after I had decided to get the 4 pictures for $10 the lady said or if you have your own camera (which I did) you can just take your own. I said, oh- I will just do this, I had already started writing on the form and felt awkward... so I spent the $$. Oh well. Then we walked around the gym- they had a shopping area for the kids to buy presents for their parents and then people wrapped them for the kids. Then he said he was hungry so we went back in to the cafeteria where there were free goodies that parents brought in- donuts, cookies, muffins, breads, brownies-- if I had known that BEFORE I paid I probably wouldn't have spent the money on the pancakes..again, oh well. (seems like a trickery plan to me!) There was a table set up with crayons and coloring sheets of Christmas pictures- candycanes, stocking with a teddybear and presents (or as Conner called it- a sock with a bear), xmas tree, etc. We sat down and he colored a tree.. he was very proud. He wanted to see Santa again so we went back in to the gym and I bumped into a colleague who teaches 4th grade at another school, one of her daughters was going to be singing in the performance by the chorus. But Conner said he was getting tired and it was packed in the gym so we didn't stay for the singing. I did shoot a few pictures of Conner in his daddy's old school in front of cute bulletin boards and Christmas decorations... I was very surprised there were so many Christmas displays- I think there was a Hanukkah one, but to be truthful, I don't even think there are any temples or anything even IN Townsend or Pepperell or Ashby. It was very nice to see the decorations and cute fun things the kids had done.
ANYWAYS- I also took Conner's picture in front of a Townsend Police Car because it was parked out front! :)
Then we stopped by Grammy and Grampy Rollo's house and Timmy, Chloe and Carly were just being dropped off so we stayed and played for a little while.
Then it was off to Walmart to return blinds YET AGAIN, hopefully for the last time. Conner was SOO good while we shopped, he was getting tired and almost didn't make it there because the sun was in his eyes the whole ride and he was getting upset! We did have to buy some apple juice jugs and open one- and we had to buy straws because he wanted his cup that he left in the car because he wouldn't want it :) But he loved picking out presents for baby Brooke and baby Carly and BeBe and Great Bebe.. and then he got to see Santa, at Walmart, FOR FREE, and get a picture and a candycane-- sheesh! When Santa asked if he had any brothers or sisters at home he said ya... Avery.. I said, no he doesn't, Avery is his cousin! :)
I got a bunch of presents but I forgot the outside extension cords and light timers so I can finish my xmas lights-- but it is a WHOPPING 18 degrees in Ashburnham right now- YIKES.
We had to make one more stop, to exchange a pocketbook we bought for Chloe at Dollar Tree because the zipper was broken- IT WAS PACKED IN THERE! NO room to even walk! But I just said "excuse me" to the lady at the register and told her I had to exchange the pocketbook because it was broken and we were in and out in less than 2 minutes.
We were both pretty hungry now so we ran through the parking lot to Papa Gino's and got some spaghetti, meatballs and cheese breadsticks-- it was SOOO YUMMY! And the guy was nice and had them separate it into two dishes because I had asked if one meal would be enough for me and Conner, he even threw in some extra breadsticks :) That was nice of him, great customer service- about time I got that somewhere. It always seemed when I worked somewhere it was always "the customer is always right, and do whatever for the customer" but that was never the case when I was the customer anywhere- but today it was, so thanks Papa Gino's man.
While Conner and I were eating, he was being soooo cute, wiping his mouth after every bite and saying "see, my face is all clean!" He told me the meatballs and the sauce were spicey but that was okay because he likes spicy food sometimes. I told him "Thanks for hanging out with me all day buddy, I had fun" He said, "you're welcome, I want to make you happy" or I like to make you happy- one of those.... Isn't HE THE CUTEST, SWEETEST, Little boy??!!! Then he proceeded to eat, wipe his mouth and then he was singing and making noises and weird spazzy hand movements and laying down in the boothe like a typical little boy...
He is just the best, we had a great day and I wanted to share that with everyone, let you know how much I love my son.