Pity Party

I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.

Soo many things

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

My first injection….

Today I went and got my uterus and my ovaries checked out! WOO HOO, bet you are excited to read about this! Don’t worry, nothing to tell. They checked out fine and my bloodwork was fine too (not pregnant, duh). But MAN- the cramps set in, I was in such pain all day- it was hard to walk around and it was even painful to sit down. Sheesh, I don’t know if they just went away or if it was all the advil, but they calmed down a bit, thank goodness. A good thing about this morning was I got to the lab early. Patient registration took me right in, then the lab- I didn’t have to wait, woo hoo. I had to wait about a half hour for the ultrasound but it is first come first served and I was early and they took me at 8. I was in my car at 8:30 and got in to my room at school around 9:20, so that was good, didn’t miss anything really- homeroom ends at 9:10.

So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.

I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.

I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.

I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!

One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!