Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Just So SAD :(

I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(

10 comments:

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

So sorry for the low mood. It gets to be so ridiculously overwhelming at times.

Bed, covers over the head, is sometimes the only place it can be dealt with properly.

Tina said...

I am hoping life gets easier and better for you very soon! There is only so much one person can take...you need and deserve a break - and some good news in your life.

Thinking of you...

Di said...

Thanks ladies for the words of comfort... I appreciate it.
Di

Tracy said...

Sorry you're having a hard time right now. Been there, done that. It doesn't seem to get any easier...the negatives. Hope you get some peace soon.

Journeywoman said...

I'm in the same lousy mood. It's the holidays and such. Take care of you and allow yourself to just cry sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I am coming over from Mel's connection blog. I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. Grief takes practice and some of us get more than my share.

I know it is hard not to compare yourself with people who have it easier and feel worse. I do the same thing. In my view, you are so lucky to have even one live child. We lost our first at 26 weeks, two more at 6 weeks and 10 weeks and I have recently learned I will never have my biological child. It has been nearly 6 years of hell. Be glad your not me?

Tina said...

Dear Anonymous:

I am so very sorry for what you have been through - to know that you will not be able to have a biological child must be heartbreaking for you. I cannot even imagine how much that hurts...and no one could ever possibly understand that, even if they have been through a journey very similar to yours. No one deserves the ending to a long journey such as yours...

However, I have to say I am disappointed that you came on Dianne's blog and basically demeaned how she feels about her loss of Leah and the rest of her journey here. Dianne absolutely knows how lucky she is to have Conner - she has never said anything different. EVER. She loves Conner with all her heart and soul - and feels guilty for losing time with him as she sorted out her feelings over her loss. That is time she will never get back with Conner - and the guilt over that is immeasurable.

The loss of Leah hit Dianne so hard - just as it would hit any parent. And, I say parent here because, regardless of whether you have or can have a living biological child or not, you are still a parent to the children you have lost. That is the common thread here that should be holding us together - allowing us to support each other through each other's journey's.

I wish you peace as you continue on your journey. But, I ask that you be a little more sensitive to other people's journey's along the way. Mel's blog is intended for us support of each other - regardless of where our journeys take us. If you feel you cannot be fully supportive of someone else, then please don't post a comment and hurt someone's feelings when they are hurting already.

The Town Criers said...

Dianne--

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. The waiting is hell. The waiting piled on after a loss is unbearable. It hurts badly to be able to see time passing in the form of announcements, pregnant bellies, babies born. You don't begrudge others their happiness, but it isn't easy when someone else's happiness reminds you of your own unhappiness. And you are hurting deeply right now.

It's hard to read about comparative pain. I don't think it's a healthy practice because so much of the way we process life isn't boiled down to the simple act that we're mourning. It is tied to how we see the world, how we're taught to mourn, our societal expectations, our personal expectations... So many factors come into play. What is bearable for me may be unbearable for another. And vice versa.

We had a friend who lost almost her whole family. Three daughters and a husband. And after that happened, I spent a lot of time comparing my own pain to hers and demeaning my own because in comparison, it didn't seem so bad. Yet my pain was my pain and by now I don't think it's healthy game to create a pyramid. It didn't give me the space to mourn my own losses--and they were my losses to mourn. And it certainly didn't make her situation any easier.

Which is to say take this space. Take this time. Feel what you're feeling.

Di said...

Thank you girls :) Tina and towncriers said some great stuff :) Thanks- thanks to all of you- katarina, tracy , journeywoman ...hugs and happy thanksgiving

Bonnie said...

thank you so much for your honesty in sharing your journey and grief. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, with many disappointments, for almost 5 years now...it is a comfort to know I am not alone. I will continue to read and pray for you on your journey.