Thursday, May 10, 2007

Another failed month :(

I know it is coming , I can feel it.... THE WITCH. I have been having cramps off and on for two days so I just know I am not pregnant again this month. It is so disappointing month after month not being pregnant.... I know many people have it MUCH worse than me, and have been trying MUCH longer.. but they know, it is hard no matter how long.

I am also combining all my TTC months for number 2. I tried 4-5 months on my own, then took a break then tried another month and got pregnant with Leah, so let's call that 6 months. Then I go almost 6 months (24 weeks to be exact) being pregnant and lose my little girl. I have to wait a few months until I feel better, emotionally and physically, and then to get regular....technically I only waited 3 months, and now I am on 4 months of ttc again... add it all up because I still have yet to bring home a baby....19 months (including when I was pg) because now we are talking how many months I have BEEN WAITING for my baby! Thats a long time... if you dont want to count when I was pg - even though I was waiting for my baby, but not trying anymore....that is still about 13 months..... TOO LONG, I shouldnt even have to be trying right now, I should have my baby and my family would be complete. So to say I am disappointed is an understatement.

Top it off with getting AF, the witch, (which is bad enough), it is Mother's Day weekend, yes I am a mother, a mother to a living child and to an angel, but it should've been an even happier holiday this year because I would have my son AND my daughter. ALSO, this is the cycle last yr that I got pregnant with Leah. Add all these things up and put it on top of the loss and emotions, the hormones... it stinks :( Cramps don't help. They have been annoying and a tiny painful so far, last month wasn't too bad, but it was the month before or so that they KILLED! I had to lay down, put a heating pad on AND take advil, I usually do not have to do that.

Of course I am not out yet, but I am gettig myself ready. I don't want to get my hopes up and think- well maybe these are just implantation cramps and AF is not coming... that would be rare, yes it does happen. I looked back at my chart when I got pg with Conner and I had cramps, I had a temp dip AND I had spotting, so you never know. But I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I really hope this blog is totally wrong and I end up being pregnant. That would be a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I feel happiness EVERY DAY with Conner, he is THE BEST. This is just a different happiness, a yearning to be pregnant and bring home a baby.


Tina said...

I am trying to get a chance to visit and catch up here... Maybe over the weekend (in between putting in my garden!).

Anyways, you didn't get your BFP with Conner until 14 DPO (unless you tested earlier than that and didn't put it on your chart) and your temps are still up. I wouldn't think anything until you actually see AF here.

Hoping you get a great Mother's Day surpise! I will be stalking...

The Town Criers said...

Came here by way of Tina. Hoping that AF isn't on her way and you have some good news this week. Sending many good thoughts your way.

Karianne said...

Found you through Tina as well. Thinking of you and can't wait to start reading more.

I also hope that blogger is working for you after switching from myspace. I have a myspace as well, but find it too busy to really get into the writing.