Monday, April 9, 2007

Some Questions and Venting

So, here are the things that are constantly running through my head. They are about life, family, friends, work , trying to have another baby and of course Leah............

***Add in April 4, 2007***

Today is 6 months since I found out I lost Leah :( And tomorrow is 6 months from the day she was born :( I CANT BELIEVE it has been SIX months!

What people don't know is that some of the hardest things for a woman who lost her child are:
finding out someone else is pregnant- seeing someone who is pregnant and hearing about how they are going into labor, or someone just had a baby- seeing a newborn- especially if it is the age your baby should've been- AND if it is the same sex as your baby, and getting invited to a baby shower- (that can now be added to my list, and what a day to get the invitation)
It is hard to think someone is celebrating their baby coming into the world, or think about how people will be going into the hospital to celebrate a new birth and hold a healthy, living newborn when I did not get to do that, that was robbed from me.
I am moving on, not forgetting, but moving on, but those things do not make it easy and sometimes I wish people would think and understand. :(

-Why did this have to happen? Was God punishing me? Did "someone" think we were not ready to have another baby so they had to take her away? If that is the case then why let me get pregnant in the first place?

-Are things looking good for being pregnant this month because things seemed to be falling in place- the addition, our timing, clomid working?

-Am I really going to have twins? The psychic says I am, I am on clomid, and what if thats all part of the plan... I lose my baby girl, now we get the big addition so we will have room for twins... is there really a "plan"?

-Why do I still cry every time I think about the day that people found I lost Leah? When I think about the school having to tell all 42 of my students that my baby had died...when I called my sister on her birthday to tell her and ask if she could come home and watch Conner, calling Jen and telling her so she could tell all the girls.... I cry EVERY time

-How come my friends don't ask me how I am doing? I am sure they are uncomfortable, don't know what to say.. but "think about me all the time" but that is not the same, it is very lonely when people just avoid the topic and you..

-What if I don't get the chance to have another little girl? What if I don't get the chance to have another healthy, living baby? I hope neither is the case.

-Why don't kids listen and do their homework and put their papers where they belong?

-How long am I going to have to wait until I am pregnant again? And why does it go by so slowly? Can't this just be the month!?

-Why are there SO MANY pregnant people around me, friends and in the general public.... does someone up there like watching me have a hard time- having to face a big pregnant belly, another "announcement" of a pregnancy- whether it be a first, second, or third? Planned or accident? Sheesh

-I am dealing fairly well. I was actually worse after Conner was born and Joe was going through chemo. I don't want people to think that because I post things like this that I am not doing well, because I am. This is just where I can vent, and get out all my feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, sadness and happiness. I know I can't go back in time- although if anything could've been done to save Leah I would definately take that option of going back in time, but I can't, I know I didn't do anything wrong, the doctors didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing that could've been done differently, it is just the plain sucky roll of the dice, bad luck, short end of the deal.. all that... I am surprisingly doing Okay. Of course I still cry every day, most times only just a few tears, sometimes a couple sobs. It has been a while since I had a really bad day, that was around my due date. It was hard. I do get a little angry because people have (or so it seems to me)forgotten, forgotten about me, forgotten about Leah, almost like it has never happened. People have gone on with their daily lives, which they should, but I think they have forgotten what I have been through.

If people could just stop and think..... think about how they would feel if they were me- Really and try and live through what I went through, for even just a minute...

- You are sitting in the doctors office waiting for him to come in and use the doppler to find the heartbeat, panicing because he can't, he starts taking your pulse, still can't find the heartbeat- that is yours he is hearing... going into the ultrasound room--- I am sorry Dianne......(Thank you Melissa for being there with me)Deciding how to deliver-- wait until I go into labor on my own, try this medicine or that one.... drive home and figure out how to tell your husband that the baby has died and we have to go in that night to deliver... sitting around the house knowing that the baby you are carrying is no longer alive, making all the phone calls to tell everyone what has happened...walk in the hospital, past all the women who just had their healthy babies, or the ones in the process, knowing that that will not be you. Seeing your baby as you have delivered her, cord wrapped around her neck, they give her to you to hold and her cute little mouth is open, as if she took a breath-or cried- you don't know which, realizing she has your sons cute, perfect mouth....realizing- this is really baby is gone.....

You are probably thinking- I don't want to think about that! Exactly! So think- hmm, I wonder how Dianne is doing... or maybe I will just send her a quick email to let her know I was thinking of her today, or just something to say hi- what have you been up to? Not after two + months have passed.Don't change on my part. These are the things that run through my head daily- whether it be for just a minute or a few minutes, once , twice or more a day... thoughts are quick- they can pop in and pop out of your head in an instant.... the nightmare can come back when you least expect it. I can be listening to one of my favorite songs- Hollaback Girl- and a thought of what has happened could pop into my head, I will tear up and then try to think of something else.

Ok, well, I will get off my soapbox now... I have some, ah, I need to take care of!

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