Update....

UPDATE
Went in for my bloodwork this morning and found out right before Conner and I went to a birthday party. My numbers dropped. I am having a miscarriage :( I am sad but not surprised, I was expecting it. I also said I didn't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I did let myself get excited for a few moments, thinking- Oh my., I actually might be pregnant! But it is not going to work out. Ok- I cried and probably will cry a little more, but what really got me was when the nurse told me I had to take this month off from trying- with my injections and everything. :( I have been waiting since I was pregnant with Leah for my baby- and now 7 months of fertility treatments and I have to wait another one to get started again. (And if one more person says-- well, you're young, you have time-- I really will want to punch them, yell at them and run away!)
I was not expecting that. Many people start trying again that same cycle, but I can't, not with the meds. My hormones and levels are all a mess right now so they can't start me on my injections. I have to wait a whole month and call them back when my period comes again. :( I have to keep going in for bloodwork until my HCG levels are back down to 0 .
I was not expecting to have to take a month off!!! This upsets me. I am sure it is for the best, my body needs to be regulated and what not and I can always try on my own, but I don't want anything bad to happen. So I probably won't. Maybe I will exercise a little more on my month off (well, maybe I will exercise- I havent since July!) and then I will be able to organize and straighten out the house and get everything set up in the addition- all that cleaning and heavy lifting would not have been good if I was pregnant. And I can also get my Leah tattoo- can't get that if you are pregnant. So I will do these things and hopefully my next cycle will be here before we know it. If it doesn't come within 30 days I can call the doctors and they will help me out.

Now I am on a 30 day break...... geeez, I thought 2 weeks - went by slow--- now I have to wait 30 days!!!!!! :(

Why?

I was thinking this month was a total bust. I had been off and on with my positive/negative thinking but once I saw a negative pregnancy test and had cramps and spotting- i figured, its over. I resigned myself to that fact- after a little crying, and I was ready to move on to the next cycle- we would do it!
So waiting and waiting for AF to show (thats a period for those who dont know the lingo). I am wondering if she won't show because I am on progesterone (to help if there is a pregnancy). So I call so that I can move up the day I go in for my bloodtest so I can stop the progesterone and get on with it already- why waste time?
I get to go in on 13dpiui (days post IUI (intra-uterine-insemination) ). I get the call at 5pm. "Are you still spotting? Because your test was not negative but your numbers are low, your HCG is 14.7." The nurse said we have to watch it closely and see what happens, it could be an ectopic (egg implanted in the tube), or who knows, we just don't know this early. It's more "wait and see" I don't want to wait and see!

My number should be higher- if it were a great healthy pregnancy- or even more than one baby-- I had 4 eggs release- the number should be higher- I was even hoping for more than one baby- one healthy one of course, but two healthy even better. Now it looks like I get one, but it might not be healthy :(
Of course we could be jumping to conclusions, you are supposed to see what your numbers do- they are supposed to double every 2 days or so. So I go back in Saturday morning and find out more information Saturday afternoon.

- I want to be pregnant-- if it's healthy and going to last
- I want to be happy about being pregnant- I barely got to enjoy any of my pregnancy with Leah
-I don't want there to be something wrong
- I don't want to be pregnant for a few weeks only to lose it
- I don't want to be scared something is going to happen- something other than the normal things I would already be worrying about
- Bleeding and cramps and low numbers worry me that it is not a healthy one :(
-I would rather start over with another cycle and have it be a good sticky healthy one
Does this make sense? Do I sound ungrateful? because I am not, I am worried and I just want it to be NORMAL.... and all I can do is wait and worry, and of course it is all out of my control.
geeez

SHARE Walk

Pictures from Leah's birthday

That's all I ask from You

That’s all I ask, is to be remembered, thought about- made to feel that people remember my daughter and that she WAS born and that I am going through a rough time right now. That’s all I ask.
Thanks to those who reached out to let me know they cared- in whatever way it was- an email, a message, a phone call, a card, flowers, I thank you, and Leah thanks you too.

Soo many things

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

My first injection….

Today I went and got my uterus and my ovaries checked out! WOO HOO, bet you are excited to read about this! Don’t worry, nothing to tell. They checked out fine and my bloodwork was fine too (not pregnant, duh). But MAN- the cramps set in, I was in such pain all day- it was hard to walk around and it was even painful to sit down. Sheesh, I don’t know if they just went away or if it was all the advil, but they calmed down a bit, thank goodness. A good thing about this morning was I got to the lab early. Patient registration took me right in, then the lab- I didn’t have to wait, woo hoo. I had to wait about a half hour for the ultrasound but it is first come first served and I was early and they took me at 8. I was in my car at 8:30 and got in to my room at school around 9:20, so that was good, didn’t miss anything really- homeroom ends at 9:10.

So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.

I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.

I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.

I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!

One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!