Pity Party

I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.

Just So SAD :(

I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(

Update....

UPDATE
Went in for my bloodwork this morning and found out right before Conner and I went to a birthday party. My numbers dropped. I am having a miscarriage :( I am sad but not surprised, I was expecting it. I also said I didn't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I did let myself get excited for a few moments, thinking- Oh my., I actually might be pregnant! But it is not going to work out. Ok- I cried and probably will cry a little more, but what really got me was when the nurse told me I had to take this month off from trying- with my injections and everything. :( I have been waiting since I was pregnant with Leah for my baby- and now 7 months of fertility treatments and I have to wait another one to get started again. (And if one more person says-- well, you're young, you have time-- I really will want to punch them, yell at them and run away!)
I was not expecting that. Many people start trying again that same cycle, but I can't, not with the meds. My hormones and levels are all a mess right now so they can't start me on my injections. I have to wait a whole month and call them back when my period comes again. :( I have to keep going in for bloodwork until my HCG levels are back down to 0 .
I was not expecting to have to take a month off!!! This upsets me. I am sure it is for the best, my body needs to be regulated and what not and I can always try on my own, but I don't want anything bad to happen. So I probably won't. Maybe I will exercise a little more on my month off (well, maybe I will exercise- I havent since July!) and then I will be able to organize and straighten out the house and get everything set up in the addition- all that cleaning and heavy lifting would not have been good if I was pregnant. And I can also get my Leah tattoo- can't get that if you are pregnant. So I will do these things and hopefully my next cycle will be here before we know it. If it doesn't come within 30 days I can call the doctors and they will help me out.

Now I am on a 30 day break...... geeez, I thought 2 weeks - went by slow--- now I have to wait 30 days!!!!!! :(

Why?

I was thinking this month was a total bust. I had been off and on with my positive/negative thinking but once I saw a negative pregnancy test and had cramps and spotting- i figured, its over. I resigned myself to that fact- after a little crying, and I was ready to move on to the next cycle- we would do it!
So waiting and waiting for AF to show (thats a period for those who dont know the lingo). I am wondering if she won't show because I am on progesterone (to help if there is a pregnancy). So I call so that I can move up the day I go in for my bloodtest so I can stop the progesterone and get on with it already- why waste time?
I get to go in on 13dpiui (days post IUI (intra-uterine-insemination) ). I get the call at 5pm. "Are you still spotting? Because your test was not negative but your numbers are low, your HCG is 14.7." The nurse said we have to watch it closely and see what happens, it could be an ectopic (egg implanted in the tube), or who knows, we just don't know this early. It's more "wait and see" I don't want to wait and see!

My number should be higher- if it were a great healthy pregnancy- or even more than one baby-- I had 4 eggs release- the number should be higher- I was even hoping for more than one baby- one healthy one of course, but two healthy even better. Now it looks like I get one, but it might not be healthy :(
Of course we could be jumping to conclusions, you are supposed to see what your numbers do- they are supposed to double every 2 days or so. So I go back in Saturday morning and find out more information Saturday afternoon.

- I want to be pregnant-- if it's healthy and going to last
- I want to be happy about being pregnant- I barely got to enjoy any of my pregnancy with Leah
-I don't want there to be something wrong
- I don't want to be pregnant for a few weeks only to lose it
- I don't want to be scared something is going to happen- something other than the normal things I would already be worrying about
- Bleeding and cramps and low numbers worry me that it is not a healthy one :(
-I would rather start over with another cycle and have it be a good sticky healthy one
Does this make sense? Do I sound ungrateful? because I am not, I am worried and I just want it to be NORMAL.... and all I can do is wait and worry, and of course it is all out of my control.
geeez

That's all I ask from You

That’s all I ask, is to be remembered, thought about- made to feel that people remember my daughter and that she WAS born and that I am going through a rough time right now. That’s all I ask.
Thanks to those who reached out to let me know they cared- in whatever way it was- an email, a message, a phone call, a card, flowers, I thank you, and Leah thanks you too.

Soo many things

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

Trying to stay ......well, just taking it minute by minute

These next few weeks are going to be tough. People have always said that the weeks/days before the date you are worrying about are worse than the actual day itself and I am sure that is the case this time too.

I will be reliving all the horrible moments that happen a year ago. I still relive it in my head at random times as it is already. Some of it is still so clear, like it happened yesterday and at other times it feels so long ago. Yet I still cry, and at the moment I cry very easily.

It is hard because at this time last year I had found out recently I was having a girl, then we were worried about her 2 vessel umbilical cord, then we found out she was perfectly healthy so we were excited. I told my students, my belly was showing proudly- the puking had finally stopped (back at around 16weeks).... and then it all started. So I will be remembering every moment of the phone call to the doctors, telling the principal I had to leave, the lonnnnnnng 20 minute ride in lunch traffic to the office, having to wait in the room for the doc- thinking- I am just worrying for nothing, it will be fine.... then the doctor not finding the heartbeat, taking my pulse, sending me to the u/s room.... I can recount almost every bit of it... and I am sure I will make myself read the journals I wrote about the whole thing and about Leah's funeral as well, maybe it will be somewhat theraputic.

I was more excited to go to my Birth Loss Support group yesterday than having my first day back at school teaching. I knew I needed the group because hard times were coming, I could just feel I was on the verge of tears. Last month I missed the meeting, completely forgot about it! So that is a good thing- I was busy with my anniversary coming up, Conner, getting ready for vacation, etc. It slipped my mind. But I KNEW I needed to go last night. It was a VERY emotional meeting. There were 2 new couples who joined our small group. It is always sad to welcome new members. We feel their pain and cry with them. I hate knowing someone else went through something as horrible as I did. I hope to think I can be of some tiny bit of help in some small way. (Being the emotional crying timebomb I have been and will be for a few weeks, I probably didn't help much! But I can put it out there that I am here to talk, vent, cry and offer any advice I have (if any!)

Along with the horrible memories (but in a small way, still happy to see my little girl, see that she looks like her brother, hold my baby and give her love and kisses before she went off to Heaven forever and tell her how much we love her) I am still dealing with my infertility and like so many other ladies, I too wish I was already pregnant and thought I possibly would be pregnant or even close to giving birth by the time Leah's anniversary came around....but I am not.. this cycle will probably go on forever too because I am anticipating getting started with my new injectable medications.

So I am going to take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time and I know I will get through it and there HAS To be some GOOD things to come, there just has to. I visited my Leah today to water the flowers her grandmother brought to her grave and to see that her stone was fixed (a small piece fell out- it had only been there like 4 days!!!) So she knows I love her, no matter how many times I visit, she knows I think about her EVERY DAY, and if she didn't - I reminded her when I was there :) So if you read this, please pray for my little angel Leah and for me and my family, we can use all the positive thoughts you can send our way during this difficult time.

You had me fooled.....

Well, I was certainly starting to be fooled with this cycle. I tried not to think about whether I was pregnant or not in my two weeks waiting (for those of you who don't know, when you are TTC - trying to conceive... they give you a 2 week window after you ovulate before you usually find out if you are pregnant or not - give or take a few days... some ladies go 14 days after they ovulate, I tend to go anywhere from 11-14 days)
Anyways- I was on vacation so I was trying not to think about it much.. and I wasn't temping (taking my temperature). I had a few cases of heartburn- probably the spicey stuff I was eating, a couple times I felt nauseaus but that could've been the food and the heat... so who knows. Yesterday and today my cramps have been almost non-existant. I figured, ok today I am 11dpo, I think I'll take my temp if I wake up on my own at the right time....98.5... hmm, thats a good one. I did not take a test first thing in the morning.. I figured I would wait and see if the cramps would set in....not too much...

Now I am thinking- ok, if I am pregnant this cycle, that means no HSG next month (checking of my tubes) and no cycle of injectable meds... thats good! I decided to take a test mid-day... I get a little case of the butterflies in my stomach- mostly because of excitement but I am thinking- odds are that I am not pregnant...... and


I am not. So, I am a teeny sad but I am for the most part ok with it because I know things are going to get done in the next month and a half. It might be neat (although time consuming and hard to schedule in because it will be the beginning of school... but oh well!) to see the ultrasounds of my ovaries growing follicles that will become eggs that will hopefully become my baby or babies! We shall see. Of course I will keep you posted.