Just So SAD :(

I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(

Soo many things

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

Trying to stay ......well, just taking it minute by minute

These next few weeks are going to be tough. People have always said that the weeks/days before the date you are worrying about are worse than the actual day itself and I am sure that is the case this time too.

I will be reliving all the horrible moments that happen a year ago. I still relive it in my head at random times as it is already. Some of it is still so clear, like it happened yesterday and at other times it feels so long ago. Yet I still cry, and at the moment I cry very easily.

It is hard because at this time last year I had found out recently I was having a girl, then we were worried about her 2 vessel umbilical cord, then we found out she was perfectly healthy so we were excited. I told my students, my belly was showing proudly- the puking had finally stopped (back at around 16weeks).... and then it all started. So I will be remembering every moment of the phone call to the doctors, telling the principal I had to leave, the lonnnnnnng 20 minute ride in lunch traffic to the office, having to wait in the room for the doc- thinking- I am just worrying for nothing, it will be fine.... then the doctor not finding the heartbeat, taking my pulse, sending me to the u/s room.... I can recount almost every bit of it... and I am sure I will make myself read the journals I wrote about the whole thing and about Leah's funeral as well, maybe it will be somewhat theraputic.

I was more excited to go to my Birth Loss Support group yesterday than having my first day back at school teaching. I knew I needed the group because hard times were coming, I could just feel I was on the verge of tears. Last month I missed the meeting, completely forgot about it! So that is a good thing- I was busy with my anniversary coming up, Conner, getting ready for vacation, etc. It slipped my mind. But I KNEW I needed to go last night. It was a VERY emotional meeting. There were 2 new couples who joined our small group. It is always sad to welcome new members. We feel their pain and cry with them. I hate knowing someone else went through something as horrible as I did. I hope to think I can be of some tiny bit of help in some small way. (Being the emotional crying timebomb I have been and will be for a few weeks, I probably didn't help much! But I can put it out there that I am here to talk, vent, cry and offer any advice I have (if any!)

Along with the horrible memories (but in a small way, still happy to see my little girl, see that she looks like her brother, hold my baby and give her love and kisses before she went off to Heaven forever and tell her how much we love her) I am still dealing with my infertility and like so many other ladies, I too wish I was already pregnant and thought I possibly would be pregnant or even close to giving birth by the time Leah's anniversary came around....but I am not.. this cycle will probably go on forever too because I am anticipating getting started with my new injectable medications.

So I am going to take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time and I know I will get through it and there HAS To be some GOOD things to come, there just has to. I visited my Leah today to water the flowers her grandmother brought to her grave and to see that her stone was fixed (a small piece fell out- it had only been there like 4 days!!!) So she knows I love her, no matter how many times I visit, she knows I think about her EVERY DAY, and if she didn't - I reminded her when I was there :) So if you read this, please pray for my little angel Leah and for me and my family, we can use all the positive thoughts you can send our way during this difficult time.