I have been so teary lately. April has been a particularly hard month. Many pregnancies, due dates and anniversaries. I can't believe it has been 6 months since I lost Leah. At times time goes by so fast but at the same time so slow.
I have been doing some crying lately but I still think it is not enough, I feel like I have more crying to do, its just this feeling I get when I am crying and I make myself stop because either other people are around, I have Conner or for some reason I feel like Joe is thinking- geez, why is she crying again!?
There are just so many things that are making me cry, it is almost like I lost Leah all over again, that is almost what the pain is like. Maybe because it has been 6 months, maybe because my SIL is having her baby girl any day now, maybe because Leah should be almost 3 months old and she should've been dressed in her frilly easter dress wearing bunny ears, maybe because Conner talks about babies a lot now, and maybe because I am on my 3rd round of clomid and I am trying to be hopeful but not get my hopes up. Maybe I am still feeling alone and feeling that ok, yes, I am sure people think about me- but it doesn't help if they don't express it to me- in any way, shape or form and in a way that also makes me angry. Just like I am still angry that I don't have my baby right now, it is just not fair. I still can't believe this actually happened. The thought of having a newborn in the house, buying cute little clothes and pacifiers, the bottles, tiny diapers, tiny clothes, being spit up on, they all seem so distant to me.. and they should-- Conner is going to be three in a couple weeks. And to know that the next baby- or babies- that will be held will not be mine.
I feel alone in my sadness and would rather shut myself in my room then call someone up and tell them I am having a crappy ...day, week, MONTH... Especially if people don't even ask because they don't want to hear that I am not doing ok right now. And people should understand that it is going to be hard for me seeing 2 friends give birth in April and 3 in May, 1 in July and 1 in September. And who knows what new pregnancies will pop up It doesn't help that everyone in my FF buddy groups is getting pg and staying in the groups that I belong to, I just don't want to post, I do make myself read the posts but I don't post and people have forgotten about me (in my newer groups). In my old group it is just hard right to post because one girl has a baby who would be pretty much the same age as Leah and it just makes it very hard, and I know that has nothing to do with her and there is nothing she can do about it, it is my problem to deal with. It also doesn't help when I see posts like "BFP on first round of clomid!" good for you, for once I wish that could've been me. And even on 25mg! Sheesh! I have to deal with the clomid and dh's low count, so even with my perfect timing because I have been charting for 4 yrs and I am now using a monitor and I know when to do it- my chances are still small and I am getting impatient. Maybe its because I was optimistic when we first started and now that I am on to round 3 my hopes are worn down a bit because when we TTC#2 originally we had at least 4 failed rounds of clomid... it took 4 with Conner... hopefully it will only be 3 rounds this time! Please, something should go right for me, you think?
Ok, I have dumped enough sadness, depression and negative thoughts, but who else am I going to write this too...there are probably only 2 people who read this at the most... I don't want to give everyone I know the address because I don't want them to think every time I post something about Leah, ttc or whatnot that I am obsessed or crazy... but just right now I am going through a really hard time.